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Alright already…enough…I get it. I don’t know how to hold a baby. Every time I get together with the other guys and gals on this site, eventually a goo-machine gets passed to me,
“Does Uncle Jeff want to hold you?”
The father/mother outstretches the baby towards me. The baby comes flying in like a drunk octopus, arms and legs moving in all directions. Where do I grab? Support the head right? Don’t smother the face. Do I let my shirt get drenched in the perpetual snot? The shirt is hiking up, the diaper is migrating down. Is my hand suppose to be here?
The baby senses my weakness and decides to save me by crying.
“Whoa, the little guy must not like me, you better take him back.” I extend him out like I am holding a dirty bomb. Everyone laughs and notes what an infant amateur I am.
I use to get together with friends and for spontaneous entertainment we would go to this bar on a snowy night and watch people slip and fall on the ice outside the window. Occasionally we would give the dog a little beer and watch him chase a laser pointer. Now to my friends, I am the joke.
“I’m bored. Let’s hand Jeff a baby and watch how uncomfortable he gets.”
Laugh it up. I am going home and getting 8-10 hours of uninterrupted sleep.
“Does Uncle Jeff want to hold you?”
The father/mother outstretches the baby towards me. The baby comes flying in like a drunk octopus, arms and legs moving in all directions. Where do I grab? Support the head right? Don’t smother the face. Do I let my shirt get drenched in the perpetual snot? The shirt is hiking up, the diaper is migrating down. Is my hand suppose to be here?
The baby senses my weakness and decides to save me by crying.
“Whoa, the little guy must not like me, you better take him back.” I extend him out like I am holding a dirty bomb. Everyone laughs and notes what an infant amateur I am.
I use to get together with friends and for spontaneous entertainment we would go to this bar on a snowy night and watch people slip and fall on the ice outside the window. Occasionally we would give the dog a little beer and watch him chase a laser pointer. Now to my friends, I am the joke.
“I’m bored. Let’s hand Jeff a baby and watch how uncomfortable he gets.”
Laugh it up. I am going home and getting 8-10 hours of uninterrupted sleep.
